I want to thank each and every one of you that has reached out to me…from the texting to the cards, flowers, a pretty throw (no name on that), a memory light, a box of fresh soup and cookies…
This is not an easy road to maneuver…it’s the hardest one I’ve gone down but I will be okay and I’m not saying that just to say it…I will be okay because you see Andrew would not want me to wallow in my grief…he would want me to remember the good life we had together…he would want me to make plans and follow through with them. He would be so mad with me if I didn’t follow through with our plans to either build a new place or find a new home that fit our needs and he would be really super super mad if I didn’t get my pool…one of his main goals in his retirement was to get me a pool.
So I’ll keep myself busy…going over the checklist he made me in case something happened…doing the paperwork that comes with the death of a loved one…waiting…lots of waiting for the above said paperwork.
The boys and kitties keep me mindful of the time of day with their internal food clocks. My girlie-friends check in to make sure I’m eating (I am)…
So I will not wallow…I will look forward as my future looks so different than it did 40,320 minutes ago…and as those minutes keep ticking away…I will not wallow
Thank you again…please know that I am very grateful for your love.
Andrew loved to send me flowers…tulips being my favorite…never lilies or roses…and as you can tell…the were pink…his favorite color for me!
A dear friend asked me the other day what my favorite color was…honestly I don’t really have a favorite…I’m more of a color explosion kind of gal. This took our conversation to Andrew and what his favorite color was…that was easy…it wasn’t a favorite color he wore but it was a color on me that was his favorite….
Andrew liked me in pink…when I would wear any pink he would get a big smile on his face and give me big compliments…HUGE…just the smile alone told me he liked it…and if I came home after a pedicure and my toes were pink…he’d give me a little smile and say “sexy”…and then there is one of my favorite cocktails…
The KA Cosmo…pink of course…
I was sitting in his office today and recently moved a picture of him and our Maggie dog to sit where I could see it when writing…and the picture of me…notice the color of my top…he kept this picture on his desk at work…so I guess he really did like me in pink.
As I walk this new road I will share little bits of our life together…I will also show bits of him…bits of my grief…just little bits of everyday life. I would love for you to join me on this new journey…walk beside me…laugh with me…cry with me…and raise a glass…cause it’s Friday
For you see my love…I always see you…I see you in the house we turned into a home…I see you while sitting in your cathedral among the trees, our porch, your porch, what you called your slice of heaven…I see you in all of nature…so while you are no longer physically with me…I can still see you.
Disclaimer, I received this book as an ARC but all opinions are mine and come from the heart.
5 Star Review
The Adair story we couldn’t even imagine would happen when Samantha started the wonderful Highlands Series. Callie Ironside…full of talent and even though she didn’t know it when the book started she showed herself as one badass lady. Lewis Adair…part golden retriever part pitbull…this guy with a man bun and ink has always been in love with Callie. Read about what drove them apart and what brought them back together…a sweet love story with some steam and you can find what Lewis’ kink it and it just might make you laugh out loud.
Grief is a like a walk in the sand…some days you are on hard packed sand…strolling along…then you hit the soft stuff…you know the sand that is so soft that it’s almost like quicksand…pulling you under and you wonder if it will release you.
My grief is different than others…and the reason is that I am different…Andrew was different…we were right together…we fit…we balanced each other out. My wide open personality against his calm quiet one…it was a balance that we worked out over the years…
So as I take this walk…I will always pull from his quiet…and pull from that balance…and one day I may find the firm sand so that I’m no longer swallowed up with this grief.
below is my review on More than Words by E.L. Koslo
Disclaimer, I received this book as an ARC but all opinions are mine and come from the heart.
She acts like a ball buster…she’s not … he acts like a dickhead … he’s not … now if they can just figure out all of the drama that comes with being attracted to each other…but noooo…they need to dance around each other, you can almost feel the eye rolls between these two while reading the book. No spoilers but let me say that the epilogues at the will have you pumping your fist in the air and screaming…it’s about damn time.
I’m not sure that I ever thought I would have to write a post like this…never in a million years…ever…
So you see the story started in 1994…this cute guy walked into my office in a bank in North Carolina…we talked…he sent me a nice card (I still have it)…his father came into the bank and told me about chatting with his son…I said “tell him when he comes to town to call me”…his father went home called him up and two days later this cute guy called me on the phone…let me mention here…I was in North Carolina and he was in New Hampshire. That phone call started in November 1994 and we talked EVERY SINGLE NIGHT getting to know each other…in February 1995 he came to NC to meet my family…
This night…he told my father he wanted to marry me…my father gave his blessings and gave him advise…advise that Andrew would never tell me…sneaky guy. From February to September we still talked on the phone daily…I left my job, sold my house, packed up one dog (BEST DOG EVER) and two cats and moved lock stock and barrel to New Hampshire.
On September 16, 1995 this happened…
On that day we started a wonderful adventure that saw a new home in Virginia in 1998…
We shared everything together…the loss of family…the welcoming of new family members…new pets…new friends…
You see this guy…the very guy that Iight up my world…he was my everything but he was also…
A brother … a brother in law …. and an uncle
Andrew loved this family…with every cell of his being…to say that he was proud of the accomplishments of this family is an understatement. Andrew could not have picked a better partner for his sister than Jason, a strong loving and caring husband and father. Pam…his love for his sister was fierce and was one of her biggest cheerleader in whatever she set out to accomplish…and oh my hell he always talked about what a wonderful mother she was. Sylvia…he called her his “girlie” and to anyone that would listen he would brag about her grace and elegance…he was so excited to watch her grow in to adulthood and plans were being made to visit her at college. Aaron…or as U. Andrew called him…Double A Ron…watching him come in to being a young man, looking forward to visiting and cheering him on in whatever event he would participate in. Andrew always wanted to be there for this family and to show up for them.
Andrew was also a friend…
Andrew’s oldest and dearest friend…was more than a friend…he was a brother. Andrew was always there for Kenning and Kenning for him. They shared history…they shared so many stories…they shared fun times. Andrew was so happy when we went to visit Kenning in Austria this year…he was happy for me to see Kennings world…but he was also happy to share this time with us.
Neal and Andrew shared soooooooo many experiences…from beer excursions to SciFi Thursday…Andrew cherished the time they spent together…
You know when you click with some people…they are your people…Scott and Leslee are our people…he loved them as family because they are…we share so many memories with them…too many to count. Him and Scott had so many common threads…bourbon, FAA, bourbon, baseball…and did I mention bourbon?
Gotta have friends
Andrew was a great pet dad…
from his girls…
to his boys…
to his kitties…his kindness to animals was endless
Andrew was not just a great husband…but he was an amazing partner…he showed me daily how much he loved me. He was my biggest supporter…cheerleader…whatever I wanted to jump in to he was there to catch me in case I fell. My wonderful introverted husband stood beside me when I would do big events with lots of people…he always said that his goal was to carry my luggage when I hit it big time…our own personal joke. He was my calm in the storm…he was the light in my heart…
So you see…his light is only dimmed because it is still glowing in my heart…while he is no longer on this big round planet we live on he is right in the center of me. While right now the hurt is deep…I promised him I would be okay…and I will…it will take time but I will be okay because he is with me…always in my heart.
This post only shows a little bit of who he was…but I hope it shows the good part of who he was…the kind…loving…caring man.
Yup…that’s how hot it’s been around here…but did that keep us inside and out of the heat?
WELL…most of the time but there were two days that we crazy right on up and spent some time at the ballpark…
First day was July 4th…11:05 start so figuring…how hot can it be that early…well let me tell you (see above picture)
This picture was right after we sat down in our seats…you will not see a picture of me after the 5th inning when I went inside for the a/c…or a picture of me after going back out and heading back in after the end of the 6th. We kept drinking water but by the end of the game we were all inside and done for…what were we thinking?
Oh….let me tell you what we were thinking…we were thinking…that heat was so much fun…let’s do it again on Sunday for a 1:35 start time…
See…start of the game…
Gang was all there…
We had great seats…and we even managed to stay out in the heat till 6th inning…we all decided to head in and finish up the game inside. Well once the other team went on a scoring binge we decided we had enough…top of the 8th found us heading to the car. In all the years we’ve been going to the ballpark this is the first time…EVER…that we left before the end of the game. One year we went to a spring game…it was freezing and we stayed through 4 or 5 extra innings…we couldn’t feel out toes but we hung in there. The four of us decided that we would rather sit in the cold, with layers on, then in the heat…
Looks like we’ll have another week of extreme temps so another week of dashing from house to car if we have to go out…but I’ll keep trips outside to a minimum…even the dogs are feeling it and hanging in the basement with me most of the time.
So…if you need me…I’ll be down here in the basement, listening to music, reading on the computer, writing and trying to stay cool…
Well here we all…July 1st…half the year is done…here are the reading insights from my kindle
Here’s how this happens…I get up early and read before starting my day…I read while having lunch…I read in the afternoon after doing whatever I decided to do that day…I read after dinner watching the news…I read when we watch baseball…then I’ll read a few hours before bed.
NOW…just because I’m doing all this reading doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything else. We watch tv on non-baseball nights…I still have all the work around the house I do..laundry, cleaning and cooking.
So there is your update…now…wonder what the rest of the year will bring…any predictions?
Picked up this light from Amazon…I think it’s perfect in my sewing studio
It’s not a secret I love to read…some might say I’m obsessed with it…but not really. A friend put it in perspective for me…
First off…I’m sort of retired…I say sort of because I’m still working on closing down my Etsy store (more on that on another post)
Second (from my friend) I spent 15 years running my own business and not having a lot of downtime and the books I read back then were all towards growing and improving my business.
Third (from same friend) I am the master of my own calendar…so if there is something on my calendar that I can get out of (doctors appts have to happen, more on that on another post) I can just mark that day as full and read.
Fourth…I really really REALLY enjoy my reading time…so while I’m enjoying it I might as well keep at it, right? I mean…it keeps me out of trouble…
okay….now the music part of the post….I’ve become obsessed with always having music on when I’m in the house or car. I have music on when I’m reading…and before I get any hate mail…It’s not like I’m singing along, most of the time it’s just background to block out other noises that would be more distracting. I really like pop music and will have that on when just doing stuff around the house or when driving…but when I’m reading…I’ll listen to Norah Jones, Taylor Swift or Billie Eilish…right now obsessed with female artist. I use AppleMusic to download songs or albums and often I’ll get recommendations for a channel based on what I’ve downloaded. Here are a few of my other favorite artist to listen too…
I’m obsessed with Too Sweet from Hozier…like blast it in the car when it comes on…Benson Boone’s voice is so smooth and he reminds me of a character in a Jolie Vine book, Leo in Fallen Snow….and Noah Kahan his voice isn’t as smooths as Benson’s but it’s still easy on the ears.
FYI…right now I’m listening to Dire Straits – Romeo and Juliet …. in case you were wondering
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